forward.

Things feel real easy and I’m trying my best not to question it.

Normally, for the most part, I feel like there is a faint headwind in my life. It’s light but consistent. Always there, pushing ever so slightly against whatever I am trying to do. I don’t like to talk about it because it sounds like I am ungrateful, but that is the farthest thing from the truth of it. I know how lucky I am. I know how privileged I am.

Growing up, I was surrounded by love and support. I had incredible parents and access to the essentials of what grow a child into a thriving and mentally healthy adult. I grew up white and middle-class with zero trauma in a world that has been manipulated to make someone like me feel safe. My life has been good. I was gifted an easy place in the universe and I am beyond grateful. I am one of the luckiest ones.

So I find it difficult to explain or complain or whatever it is that I am doing when I describe this subtle ever-present force pushing against everything I do in my adult life. Some experiences are more of a gale-force blast. From robberies at gunpoint to disappointing career outcomes…the death of my mother to betrayal and divorce. From letting go of childhood dreams to being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis… the push against me varies in intensity but is always, always there. Gentle brushes against my cheek or gusts so strong I can barely keep my eyes open. Always there, a strange comfort of consistency.

My therapist and I talk about this feeling that there is an energy that does not want me to succeed. A force that prevents me from moving too far forward in the world. An unseen power that has set a predetermined ceiling I cannot see. We talk about karma and how this could be some mild form of punishment for being ungrateful 3 past lives ago. We discuss how it certainly couldn’t be something like murder, just a minor mistake from the past that needs correcting. We laugh but he agrees things often seem more difficult than they need to be.

And now, lately, everything feels so, so easy. So light and buoyant and in some sort of rhythmic flow. Pieces of things I have always wanted are lightly drifting into my lap as if they were just waiting on the wind, anticipating the exact right moment. For the first time that I can remember, so many things are falling into place. I told my therapist this week and I cried. I am even more grateful.

I often talk about perspective and how a change in view can make all the difference. I have chosen to view my MS as a gift, not a burden. Maybe slowly, over time that gift has become contagious.

Maybe, my MS has learned to create a tailwind.

2 Comments

  1. Again and again and again…your beautiful perspective and exquisite way of sharing it is so inspiring. Thank you. I’m so happy you’re having this feeling of things falling into place. You deserve this so much.

    Like

  2. Tracy ~

    Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and understanding of the way that we comprehend life.

    My life , much like yours, has brought me to a place where I am 10 years past nearly passing. It was 10 years this past January.

    I am in awe at what these years have been to me. Recovering from, well, attempting to control and succeed at balancing my life’s ups and downs.

    Thanks so much for sharing your current time with so much passion.
    The mysteries life weaves together with intention and, yes , Karma!

    I know the truth about that!

    <3. ~Ad

    Like

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