stains. and Space Mountain.

No one should ask me to hold anything breakable.

In the last few months I have been particularly clumsy. In the old days I used to consider this a personality trait. Something that is part of my DNA and inexplicable, like how I am often peppy and I have hazel eyes. Now it’s clear this life-long battle with keeping my feet on the pavement and my keys in my hand has been MS all along. Maybe part of my DNA but definitely not something I was born with. Sneaky little Sclerosis.

But much like anything and everything, this clumsiness seems to come and go. Last Friday I dropped a total of 42 things. I am clearly making up that exact number but it sure felt that way and if I had to make a less exaggerated, honest guess out of it… I’d say a minimum of 15. I dropped FIFTEEN things in one day. At the very least. Oh and I also had major vertigo which eventually led to me leaving work early and lying on my couch watching the living room spin.

To put it mildly, Friday was frustrating.

Sunday I dropped about 3 things. And zero vertigo. What a difference a day makes.

Sorry, I have no recollection of Saturday.

So it’s a roller coaster. Just like emotions and life and traffic and love and war. There are times I feel like my entire day revolves around Multiple Sclerosis and I can only focus on the fact that my hand won’t hold onto a damn thing. And there are hours and sometimes even days when I literally don’t remember I have MS. And then I drop a pen or spill a little oil on my new jacket. I do not own one single item of clothing without a stain.

It’s always a bit like Space Mountain. It’s dark in here and there is no sign up ahead of when we are going to hit a drop or speed up or round a sharp bend. It’s dark in here and there’s nothing to do about it but lift your hand high in the air.

No matter how crazy the ride, I’d still pay top dollar for this ticket.

2 Comments

  1. So beautifully written, Tracy. Thank you for once again finding and sharing an uplifting message out of what must be an incredibly frustrating loss of predictability and control. You’re wonderful. Cathy G.

    Like

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