The Anniversary.

One year ago today I almost lost my eyesight forever. One year ago today I spent the night in a hospital, overwhelmed with incredible fear and loneliness.

One year ago today I was diagnosed with MS and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

The first week of April 2017, physically I felt strange. Really out of body in every way. I had told my best friends that I was feeling some sort of vertigo and was sure I had either an ear infection or I had finally punctured my eardrum after all those years of being way too daring with Q-tips. I was super tired; that kind of tired you feel when you haven’t been able to sleep for a few days or when you are about to get the flu. I was experiencing strong bouts of dizziness during the day, which I attributed to the vertigo of course. It was all very….weird. Was I eating differently? Did I finally need to cut down on the aggressive cigarette smoking? Was I getting enough sleep? Pinpointing the issue was excruciating because nothing felt that different and everything – all at once – felt entirely different.

The first week of April 2017, emotionally I was a wreck. Just weeks before I had come to the realization that a man I cared deeply for, without warning, decided to never speak to me again. I felt so much guilt and frustration wondering what I had done wrong to push another love interest away from me. I felt angry at my mother for dying and not being there for me in my time of emotional need. I felt naïve for thinking that I could have found someone that would love me. I felt stupid for letting myself love that person, even though he told me not to fall. I was surrounded by friends that were in love and partnered, or happily and smoothly moving from one relationship to the next. I felt abnormal, out of place, unwanted and empty.

 The first week of April 2017, my soul was confused and distracted. I had quit my childhood passion of acting and resigned myself to the world of finance. I was smoking and drinking heavily; desperately trying to fill a void of loss and lack of purpose. I would have moments of joy; when I wrote a blog post, when I acted in a play, when I traveled somewhere new, when I connected with someone, when I made someone laugh. But in between these moments the missing thing grew and lingered and grew and grew, until I began to grasp at anything and everything to try and squelch it.

On Monday April 10th, 2017, I thought I had something in my eye that I couldn’t quite get out.

On Tuesday April 11th, 2017, I realized I had probably scratched my pupil or blown a blood vessel.

On Wednesday April 12th, 2017, I knew something terrible was happening and was certain it was severe eye strain.

On Thursday April 13th, 2017, I lost almost all eyesight in my right eye and my eye doctor nervously sent me to UCLA’s emergency room.

In the middle of the night on April 14th, 2017, I was told I had Multiple Sclerosis.

I asked to call the man I had fallen for who had shut me out of his life. I cried and wondered what was going to happen to me if I went blind. i knew in that moment I would never date again, never walk again, never see again, never be the person I knew I was meant to be.

On Friday April 13th, 2018, I am filled with love, inspiration, passion, purpose, determination, and so much happiness it is hard not to smile all the time, so I do. I work out 6 days a week, have been cigarette free for 12 months, meditate every day, and am grateful for every tiny microscopic atom of existence.

Of course I still have plenty of moments of frustration. Bursts of anger at the guy who just slammed into me on the highway, lack of patience when my internet is down, petty annoyances with coworkers and friends…and so on and so on living life as most of us do.

But every day, I am now so grateful to be alive. I walk, I see, I date, I love. I am everything I am meant to be. I am awake.

 

This is my story. This is MS. This is my blog about my ongoing beautiful journey.

 

3 Comments

  1. Tracy – I am so glad to see how far you have come this past year. I think it is also great therapy to be able to put things down in writing. I love you and everything you say and do. Looking forward to your next chapter.

    Like

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