a Single disease.

Everyone with MS has a partner.

At least it feels that way. Sometimes. I follow and read several MS blogs now, and there is one recurring theme that I just cannot relate to; how it involves their partners.

This is not necessarily a complaint. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. We all know that the grass is always greener, and I am fully aware there are things about my life that are literally the best because I am single. I’ve had my share of long term relationships and I know it’s not all sunshine and unicorns. I also have my fair share of friends who wish they were single. It is all about perspective.

I am also acutely aware that having a partner would make things a hell of a lot easier. Especially when dealing with a disease that shows up daily in the form of fatigue, numb extremities, clumsiness and bouts of what feels like the flu. I drop whole bags of groceries, bang into things constantly, and often sleep 10-13 hours. There are moments I could use some help. And a good snuggle.

Today I got my day-long infusion that comes around every 6 months and I did it alone. I didn’t ask anyone to come. Several friends asked if they could join or at least stop by, and I said I wanted to try this one alone. Just in case someday no one is available and I have to go it alone. If and when that happens, I’ll know it’s no big deal, that I can do this.

I sat down in the infusion center of the UCLA Oncology Department – MS infusions don’t have their own ward yet – and looked across to a cheerful man in his 60s. Matt. Matt has Leukemia. Matt is close to beating his disease; he is very upbeat. Matt feels he absolutely could not do this without his amazing wife of 30 years. Matt’s wife has an IQ of 147. Matt’s wife keeps track of all of his meds, and appointments, and doctor names, and insurance claims. Matt wanted to tell me about all of this in the first 5 minutes we met; needles in arms, immediate compadres sitting in reclining lounge chairs in the bright and sterile Oncology Hall.

I understand Matt, because he is grateful and so am I. But sometimes I am lost because I don’t know how to relate. I don’t know what to say or how to get a two way conversation going so I smile and tell him that’s so wonderful. And I mean it. But I don’t know what else to say.

I want to know: is there anyone out there reading this who is single with Multiple Sclerosis? Male or female – doesn’t matter. Just single with MS, dealing with this all by your lonesome? I would love to talk to you.

Because I have loads of incredible friends to talk to, but sometimes I want to relate.

5 Comments

  1. I want to be totally honest about having a partner and not having a partner. Sometimes yes having a partner can help, but at other times they take more energy out of us! My husband of almost 7 years is a kind man, but he has been battling depression and it takes ALL of my energy to deal with him. When I had my massive relapse in October, he seemed to have lost himself and lived in his own self pity instead of helping me at all. He stopped going to work and still has not started back. I do not mean to complain, I am just a little frustrated with the constant pain I deal with and trying to work, but come home to him in bed only to wake to complain.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Alyssa! I want everyone to be happy and loved and supported in their relationships but of course it’s always good to hear the hard stuff too… just so it reminds me we are all dealing with crap in one way or another. I am SO sorry your husband is dealing with depression and can’t always be there for you. Anytime you need to vent, write me. xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We all have difficult things to deal with in life and we somehow make it through! It us sometimes hard to find the determination and strength, but we do! Thank you so much Tracy. It has been hard dealing with his depression on top of my own health struggles, but I made a vow to him. I managed to forget to make vows to myself, so I do what I can for him.
        Thank you so much for your support Tracy! You have no idea how much this means to me! You can write me anytime as well!! xoxox

        Liked by 1 person

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