I have Multiple Sclerosis and I feel guilty.
Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, and I hear this might be pretty normal. The topic of “MS and Guilt” has appeared in quite a few online articles lately and with good reason.
I feel guilty because I am too tired to do anything fun or late at night. MS makes me so lame at times.
I feel guilty about complaining when I know there are many with this disease who can’t walk or see, so who am I to whine? So far, I am one of the luckiest ones.
I feel guilty that I have to depend on my friends for hospital rides and long hours of company during infusions.
I feel guilty that I want so badly to talk and share details about a topic that might make people uncomfortable.
I feel insanely guilty that my words and feelings and thoughts on how this disease is affecting me, may be offensive to other MS Warriors.
In my quest to expand my community, I have been reading and following several Multiple Sclerosis blogs, and a really good portion of them are expressions of suffering and anger at this monster called “MS.” This thing that they want out of their bodies, that constantly screws with their lives in endless horrible ways. It is so brave and so understandable. And yet here I sit, writing a blog that is entirely about being grateful to this MS Monster inside me.
There are many levels of suffering in this world; I have no idea how mine compares to anyone else’s. But I choose to wake up every day and thank the Monster. I am thankful for the lessons it is teaching me. Grateful for the perspective gained from the way it has shifted my world.
I choose to make this Monster an ally; we are stuck together after all. I choose to feed the Monster whatever it desires; rest, love, attention, exercise, gross green smoothies. Because I believe the Monster and Me are one, and I am determined to make this relationship work.
These are my choices and I am guilty. But I am not sorry.
This is my journey with MS.
I love and embrace everyone else’s along the way.