Guilt.

I have Multiple Sclerosis and I feel guilty.

Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, and I hear this might be pretty normal. The topic of “MS and Guilt” has appeared in quite a few online articles lately and with good reason.

I feel guilty because I am too tired to do anything fun or late at night. MS makes me so lame at times.

I feel guilty about complaining when I know there are many with this disease who can’t walk or see, so who am I to whine? So far, I am one of the luckiest ones.

I feel guilty that I have to depend on my friends for hospital rides and long hours of company during infusions.

I feel guilty that I want so badly to talk and share details about a topic that might make people uncomfortable.

I feel insanely guilty that my words and feelings and thoughts on how this disease is affecting me, may be offensive to other MS Warriors.

In my quest to expand my community, I have been reading and following several Multiple Sclerosis blogs, and a really good portion of them are expressions of suffering and anger at this monster called “MS.” This thing that they want out of their bodies, that constantly screws with their lives in endless horrible ways. It is so brave and so understandable. And yet here I sit, writing a blog that is entirely about being grateful to this MS Monster inside me.

There are many levels of suffering in this world; I have no idea how mine compares to anyone else’s. But I choose to wake up every day and thank the Monster. I am thankful for the lessons it is teaching me. Grateful for the perspective gained from the way it has shifted my world.

I choose to make this Monster an ally; we are stuck together after all. I choose to feed the Monster whatever it desires; rest, love, attention, exercise, gross green smoothies. Because I believe the Monster and Me are one, and I am determined to make this relationship work.

These are my choices and I am guilty. But I am not sorry.

This is my journey with MS.

I love and embrace everyone else’s along the way.

7 Comments

  1. I can relate on so many levels with my own personal issues of depression and severe migraines. I never thought about making these Monsters my allies, though. I’m going to be looking into that! Thank you so much for your courage to share your journey with MS through your blog – you are an amazing, brave, courageous, sassy, beautiful woman!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Whitney! I LOVE that my post might help someone think differently about their own issues with suffering.. this means so much to me. I definitely needed to hear this today. Hope you and the family are doing great – miss and love you all! xoxo

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  2. Hi Tracy!
    It’s taken me forever, but I just read all your blog posts. It’s been on my list, and wanted to wait until I had time to focus. I am truly moved by how you are approaching your MS diagnosis, and so grateful that you are sharing your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my goodness Hanny! Thank you so much for taking the time to read all of my posts – and for being awesome enough to tell me about it. We all need encouragement and it was so incredibly sweet to see your name pop up today! I hope you and your beautiful family are doing great and I am overjoyed to hear you are reading and enjoying.

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  3. LOVE this. I can totally relate to making the best of the hand dealt.. I know MS has given me such an deep appreciation for every single thing in my life. I can also relate to the guilt of not being able to do as I once did. I cancel plans more than actually go but luckily everyone understands that the life of the party Al is currently out of order.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right? I did lose one friend this year who doesn’t seem to understand… I think she felt I wasn’t showing up for her because it wasn’t important to me. But the more I thought about it, I realized that is her issue, not mine. The rest of my friends totally get it and are adapting!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We can only do so much. I’ve come to realize people also grow apart. My bestie is rarely around these days. That’s ok. I still love her and understand. It’s a hard go for someone not going through it to truly understand I find my old circle getting smaller and smaller and I’m ok with that. We all change, I’m changing too. Pretty sure it’s for the better.

        Liked by 1 person

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